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Deconstruction.
Aug. 2nd, 2008 01:30 amThere are certain things about being me that shouldn't make sense.
I am a Russian-Sri Lankan-Jewish-Ukrainian-transsexual-brown-gay-expatriate-Buddhist-Atheist-Libertarian Liberal.
It's an awful lot of definitions and they clash.
I am a Russian Jew , but I'm brown and so do not share in the experience of that community and don't belong there. I am not sure i want to.
I am a quarter Ukrainian Cossack, and a direct descendant of a serf woman who was raped by her master. My great great grandfather was an illegitimate noble.
I am a transsexual man who is attracted strictly to bio-men. I dare not think of what that spells out for my sex life, never mind love life. At this point, five years since being kissed the last time, I think I am used to it. That does not stop me from wanting what is not in the cards.
I am brown. Due to being raised in a relatively privileged closet Jewish household in the USSR, I had no awareness of race as a concept until I came here. When i was growing up, if you spoke Russian, you were one of " us", so my brown father counted as one of "us" and so did his best friend who was from Benin. Being one of 'us' meant being Russian. To this day , it is my primary identity, the one I am most at home with. It does not mesh well with the rest of me. It was not until junior high here in the US that I acquired the awareness of racial difference. Seventh grade meant coming into a school rigidly divided between Russian and Black, and I fell in the middle. I spent the entire year being beaten up by both sides, having my head dunked ion the toilet, my long hair dipped in nail polish. By the time 8th grade rolled around I was hanging out with the few Latinos in the school, hitting back and identifying as a metalhead. My mother would translate Rammstein for me. A year later she found god, and I lost her.
I am transsexual. I knew it from the age of 5. My first complete memory is my mother telling me I would have a brother and me asking why they wanted another boy. I owe Jerry Springer quite a lot because were it not for his show I would not have found the words for what I am until much much later. It is the most dynamic piece of my identity, the reason for so many of my actions, the driving force behind my remaining alive at 23. Good god, I'm 23. To be completely honest, I decided on my path at 16, lying on a gurney in Planned Parenthood. I chose not to have a child at 16, knowing that it was my only chance to breed. It was me or the kid. I chose me. I was selfish there, I wanted to live and I have no regrets. When my mother threw me out at 17, I welcomed it because it made me free. To this fay I believe it was the best thing she did for me.
I am gay.
I am an expatriate Russian. I haven't put down roots in 11 years, and the American reality still seems more like a film than anything else. Subjectively, I am nationally homeless, because the country I belong to no longer exists. I don't think it's a bad place to be.
The longer I live the more applicable I find Theravada Buddhism to be. It is the only philosophy that makes sense.
I do not believe in god.
I am a liberal that believes in limited government. I believe that healthcare is a human right, but hate crimes legislation is useless. I believe that the government should be kept away from running peoples lives , but I see taxation as a contract with money being paid for services that are necessary. I believe in affirmative action, but an opposed to race preferences. I believe in the right to offend. I need a third party.
I look in the mirror and I see a Rubik's cube.
I am a Russian-Sri Lankan-Jewish-Ukrainian-transsexual-brown-gay-expatriate-Buddhist-Atheist-Libertarian Liberal.
It's an awful lot of definitions and they clash.
I am a Russian Jew , but I'm brown and so do not share in the experience of that community and don't belong there. I am not sure i want to.
I am a quarter Ukrainian Cossack, and a direct descendant of a serf woman who was raped by her master. My great great grandfather was an illegitimate noble.
I am a transsexual man who is attracted strictly to bio-men. I dare not think of what that spells out for my sex life, never mind love life. At this point, five years since being kissed the last time, I think I am used to it. That does not stop me from wanting what is not in the cards.
I am brown. Due to being raised in a relatively privileged closet Jewish household in the USSR, I had no awareness of race as a concept until I came here. When i was growing up, if you spoke Russian, you were one of " us", so my brown father counted as one of "us" and so did his best friend who was from Benin. Being one of 'us' meant being Russian. To this day , it is my primary identity, the one I am most at home with. It does not mesh well with the rest of me. It was not until junior high here in the US that I acquired the awareness of racial difference. Seventh grade meant coming into a school rigidly divided between Russian and Black, and I fell in the middle. I spent the entire year being beaten up by both sides, having my head dunked ion the toilet, my long hair dipped in nail polish. By the time 8th grade rolled around I was hanging out with the few Latinos in the school, hitting back and identifying as a metalhead. My mother would translate Rammstein for me. A year later she found god, and I lost her.
I am transsexual. I knew it from the age of 5. My first complete memory is my mother telling me I would have a brother and me asking why they wanted another boy. I owe Jerry Springer quite a lot because were it not for his show I would not have found the words for what I am until much much later. It is the most dynamic piece of my identity, the reason for so many of my actions, the driving force behind my remaining alive at 23. Good god, I'm 23. To be completely honest, I decided on my path at 16, lying on a gurney in Planned Parenthood. I chose not to have a child at 16, knowing that it was my only chance to breed. It was me or the kid. I chose me. I was selfish there, I wanted to live and I have no regrets. When my mother threw me out at 17, I welcomed it because it made me free. To this fay I believe it was the best thing she did for me.
I am gay.
I am an expatriate Russian. I haven't put down roots in 11 years, and the American reality still seems more like a film than anything else. Subjectively, I am nationally homeless, because the country I belong to no longer exists. I don't think it's a bad place to be.
The longer I live the more applicable I find Theravada Buddhism to be. It is the only philosophy that makes sense.
I do not believe in god.
I am a liberal that believes in limited government. I believe that healthcare is a human right, but hate crimes legislation is useless. I believe that the government should be kept away from running peoples lives , but I see taxation as a contract with money being paid for services that are necessary. I believe in affirmative action, but an opposed to race preferences. I believe in the right to offend. I need a third party.
I look in the mirror and I see a Rubik's cube.
